12Dec

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

xxx: I’ve downloaded the map of Vatican, it is fucking heavy – 690 MB.
yyy: is it a one-one scale model?

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12Dec

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

-Hi
-Hi.
-How are you?
-Fine.
-What are you doing?
-I’m making a statistics survey.
-About what?
-About who and how many times a day tells me such stupid phrases as “hi”, “how are you”, “what are you doing” and “I see”
-I see

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12Dec

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

I took my little daughter from the kinder-garden yesterday and on my way home I asked her “How was it today? What were you doing? What did you have for lunch? Did you play any interesting games?”… she answered without looking up at me, very pensively: “you know, I believe, you are too talkative”

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12Dec

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

xxx: today I was sitting in the driver’s place in the car for the first time in my life!
yyy: have you tried to start the engine?
xxx: not yet. It’s planned for Saturday...

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12Dec

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

From a dialogue with a client:
C: where’s no need for you to come today, I think we will pay you only on Monday =)
Me: I think I will now delete your fucking site from the hosting =)
C: you can arrive in half and hour..

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12Dec

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xxx: the girl went to take the shower before me and left all her cosmetic stuff in the bath-room....
xxx: for some fucking reason I mentioned that my skin was peeling… she answered that there’s a scrub in the bathroom...
xxx: I decided to try the fucking stuff... i put some shampoo on my hear and thought: let’s try that thing, she said it makes skin soft and tender, so we will see…the shampoo got into my eyes so I couldn’t see which tube I took..
xxx: I put it on… all over (face and head)…and sat down waiting… for a fucking gorgeous effect I decided to keep it on for 10 minutes...
xxx: when 10 minutes were over ...I started to wash it off... thinking that now I was going to be all fucking soft and silky... but I felt that I was losing my hear instead..
xxx: I started shouting, the girl ran into the room...called me an idiot and told me to read the name on the tube next time… she was just dying of laughter all her way back to the living room ..
xxx: IT TURNED OUT THAT I HAVE MIXED THE TUBES AND TOOK A FUCKING DEPILATION CREAM INSTEAD
xxx: ...shit, thanks to that depilation cream....I’m now soft, silky, clean...
xxx: and bald like a gibbon’s ass

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12Dec

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

I suggested that we should stop our relationship and that fucking idiot agreed!

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12Dec

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xxx:
I’ve cut out your figure and now I’m doing one interesting thing to it. I was wondering if you would be able to feel anything?

yyy:
feed my figure, will you?..

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12Dec

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

Xxx have you ever told anyone: I’m gonna eat you?
yyy no
yyy I don’t talk to food
xxx :-D
xxx I meant people
yyy who do you think I meant!? 0_o

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12Dec

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

<Inga> shit… tonight I entered the living room… and saw my husband caressing his dick while staring at the TV screen…I was absolutely shocked…he quickly switched off the TV and went to sleep
<Inga> I got curious about what he was watching while masturbating…I turned on the TV, it was discovery channel showing how macaques fuck.
<Zni4ka> аааааааhahahahaha. That’s something unreal!
<Zni4ka> I’d recommend you to buy leopard-patterned bikini)))))))
<Zni4ka> by the way, hasn’t your dog got a secret nickname, something like BO-the-torn-ass?
<Zni4ka> now I understand why he doesn’t shave his pubis and doesn’t let you shave yours. He is a wild hunter from the jungle, bgg)))
<Inga> fuck off! It was stupid of me to try to share my emotions with you.
<Inga> Hold on!! How did you know about his pubis? I haven’t told you!!!
<Inga> ????
<Inga> Victoria!
<Inga> ANSWER ME!!!!!
<Inga> BITCH
<Inga> WHORE

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12Dec

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

Lilit:
Are you an impotent???

Fil
Stop talking rubbish, last time she was crawling away from me begging: “Enough, enough!!!”

Lilit:
and you were crawling in the opposite direction shouting: "АААААААААААh!!!! A talking dog!!!!!!!!!!!"

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12Dec

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

Smokerrr:
Some computer games are fucking realistic: today I was doing a jigsaw on the computer and managed to somehow lose 4 fragments)

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12Dec

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

Jun:
Darling, I love you so much…but not at 6 a.m. on Saturday morning. at 6 a.m. on Saturday morning I don’t love even cream puffs.

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12Dec

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<wAnt_him_bAck> do you know how I can return my boy-friend?
<ny3aH> have you kept the receipt?

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12Dec

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

Clair:
I’m going to get married

Big Brother
who is the lucky man?

Clair:
I haven’t decided yet, I’ve just found a great wedding dress

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12Dec

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

mario: why don’t you wash your car...
lion: I have no money
mario: and with your own hands? no?
lion: I have no time, we’re working without week-ends now
mario: shit, fucking life… everybody works seven days a week and nobody has got money :(

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12Dec

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

I went to a shop to choose a new lavatory pan. I was walking through the rows, looking at “white friends” when my eye fell on the familiar letters: lavatory pan "Vista". Next to the mane a notice “Not for sale: defective".

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12Dec

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

Fly: Recently I’ve visited my home town. I met my first girl-friend... :-[
Fly: I was watching her literally with my mouth wide open and my heart beating fast...
Fly: during an hour and a half ...
Fly: because now she’s a fucking dentist! О_о

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12Dec

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

PostGoblin: It’s a real life story: once me and 5 of my friends decided to go in catamaran down the river… Just for fun we bought masks of goblins and took them with us. The fun began when in a deserted place we saw a fisherman on the bank, we quickly put on the masks and went on floating. As soon as he noticed us, his jaw slapped down and his cigarette fell out of the mouth, he looked fucking scared… I couldn’t stand the temptation and growled: slow down, I can see food! I don’t know if the men shitted his pants, but I could swear that I heard a clear FART sound at the moment… he threw his fishing rod and ran away like a mad hare…and I added in the same hoarse voice: hurry up, he’s escaping!.. we almost fell down from the catamaran of laughter...

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12Dec

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

During a practical lesson on mathematical analysis a student is standing at the board trying to do the task. obviously, he knows nothing, but the lecture is waiting, hoping that the student might remember something, giving him a chance. At that moment an sms is delivered to someone and the mobile shouts in a Mortal Combat voice: "FINISH HIM!"

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