06Jan

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

This morning at the chemists a guy who was standing in a queue in front of me comes to the counter and says: 2 pregnancy tests, please. At this moment his mobile buzzes, he reads an sms and says quietly to himself “what a shitty day!” and then louder to the chemist: 3 pregnancy tests, please...))

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06Jan

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

111: today in the subway a youngster comes up to me and asks for matches. Silently I take a box of matches out of my pocket and give it to him (just by chance I took the box from my house this morning).
222: ))
111: he looks at me and says: it’d be more convenient with a lighter
111: I put my hand into the pocket and take out a lighter
111: he lights his cigarette, looks at me for about 10 seconds and says just as a joke: what a wonderful pocket! There’s anything I ask for! May be there are some candies for me as well?
222: aaahh, I already start to suspect what happens next)
111: ))))you won’t believe me, but for about a week I have been carrying a couple of sugar candies in my pocket.
111: without a word I take out a candy and hand it to him. He stares at it with round horrified eyes
222: bgg, poor thing))
111: after that I tell him “you’ve used all your three wishes”, throw out my cigarette and walk away.

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06Jan

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

xxx: I’m romantic, aren’t I? )
yyy: I’ve known far more romantic people, actually! I had a friend who was writing such beautiful poems, making such fabulous declarations of love... ahhh...
ххх: so why aren’t you with him now? )
ууу: We didn’t get on well... (
ууу: me and his boyfriend, I mean

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06Jan

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

Usually it’s very difficult to send off my son to my parents’ place for the week-end, cause they don’t have a computer. But this weekend it was much easier as my mom has brought a kitten into the house. I told my son about this and immediately his joyful screams informed the whole world around that my husband and I would be able to have a child-free weekend and go to the cinema.

While my son was getting ready to leave, he saw our “local” cat, the one that had been living in our house for about 5-6 years. He leaned down to stroke her and saids tenderly: “Maggie, remember – you’re the most important, the most loved cat in my life! And this little kitten means nothing to me”

At that moment for some reason I felt like giving my husband a big slap in the face.

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06Jan

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

I was in the subway and there was a “gothic” lady standing next to me. She was in the complete “war paint”: white face, black circles around her eyes, black lips, black short hair, she was all dressed in lather, decorated with lots of metal stuff… In short, our local cemetery would be proud of her. It’s not like nobody was staring at the lady, but in general, people in this city are not surprised by anything.

Suddenly a man with a little girl in his hands was passing by in the crowd and the girl started stretching her hands to the gothic queen and cried out in a clear child’s voice:
- Daddy, Daddy, look! It is Panda-lady!!

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06Jan

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

You sit at the computer editing a client’s wedding photos and – all of a sudden! – feel like getting married, having a family, husband, kids.
Then, you lift your eyes up from the monitor and – all of a sudden! – feel like not getting married.

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06Jan

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

xxx: today in the supermarket I saw a girl who was advertising the stuff for cats’ toilet.
xxx: there was a box with the stuff on the table in front of her , and she was wearing a pair of accurate cat’s ears on her head.
xxx: I wish I had had more time so that I could have stayed there longer. I really wonder how she was going to advertise the product?..

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06Jan

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

Oiran: I don’t like to sleep alone. That’s why I usually have my sleep in a metro :)

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06Jan

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

Alexandra:
the representatives of company “Virgin Galactic” that is going to provide tourist trips into space declined an offer to organize porn film shooting aboard their spaceship. In case of their agreement, the company would be paid $1 000 000.

Old Pepper:
:))) porn-makers have gone fucking impudent...
offering such a thing to VIRGIN Galaxy…shit, are they mad?

Old Pepper:
however, porn in weightlessness is an interesting idea... shit... if you come off not into her all the crew will be in your sperm:)))))) you’ll get fucking tired cleaning it off :)))))))))))

Old Pepper:
I know that if you spill water in weightlessness it flies around in drops, you can catch a drop with your mouth – that’s it.

what about sperm? who should gather a porn-actor’s sperm afterwards?

CastankA:
a porn-actress...

Old Pepper
imagine: a naked woman is flying around, catching drops with her mouth....

Old Pepper
while the rest of the film squard are trying to keep away from the sperm.

fucking shit, I want to see such a movie!

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06Jan

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

He: tell me what you want and I will get it for you.
She: Will you get anything I want?
He: yes...
She: then, get lost!

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06Jan

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

visombre: A friend of mine told this story: his secretary is sitting at the computer, surfing the net. Suddenly she stops moving the mouse, looks at it closely, then looks at the monitor, and says: “Something is not working”
my friend: "the mouse must have got tired"
visombre: so the secretary turns the mouse upside-down and goes away to make herself a cup of coffee. My friend looks at the mouse and notices a hair on the mouse’s “eye”, so he removes the hair
visombre: the secretary comes back, he says: "I think it has had enough of rest, you should try it "
visombre: she turns it back and it really works ok.
visombre: now her mouse has relaxation break every half an hour...

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06Jan

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

xxx: today I’ve bought a razor produced by Phillips
xxx: the instruction is 182 pages.
xxx: this is the most massive instruction about how to use one button that I have ever seen in all my life...

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06Jan

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

Tranq: Six British internet-providers have blocked one of the Wikipedia’s pages. The page is devoted to the album “Virgin Killer” of the German rock-band “Scorpions”. The reason for the action was the cover of the album that contains an image of a naked girl.
Noa: Soon you won’t be able to look into the mirror
Noa: because you might see you dick there.

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06Jan

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

Good afternoon! I wanted to order some goods from you, but then I found your address in the black list of the on-line shops. Do you really deceive people? Tell me the truth. Thank you!

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06Jan

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

xxx(15:05:22): I’ve bought an electro-shocker
xxx(15:05:26): I’ll come to you in 40 minutes to show you this super thing
xxx(15:05:48): it’s said in the internet that it’s the most powerful one among all small models

yyy(16:17:03): Hey, where are you? 40 have passed long ago. I’m worried about your safety.

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12Dec

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

xxx: today I was sitting in the driver’s place in the car for the first time in my life!
yyy: have you tried to start the engine?
xxx: not yet. It’s planned for Saturday...

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12Dec

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

I took my little daughter from the kinder-garden yesterday and on my way home I asked her “How was it today? What were you doing? What did you have for lunch? Did you play any interesting games?”… she answered without looking up at me, very pensively: “you know, I believe, you are too talkative”

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12Dec

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

-Hi
-Hi.
-How are you?
-Fine.
-What are you doing?
-I’m making a statistics survey.
-About what?
-About who and how many times a day tells me such stupid phrases as “hi”, “how are you”, “what are you doing” and “I see”
-I see

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12Dec

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

xxx: I’ve downloaded the map of Vatican, it is fucking heavy – 690 MB.
yyy: is it a one-one scale model?

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12Dec

Placed by: sadko. Rating: Votes: 0. Vote:         Send this joke to your friend

xxx: the girl went to take the shower before me and left all her cosmetic stuff in the bath-room....
xxx: for some fucking reason I mentioned that my skin was peeling… she answered that there’s a scrub in the bathroom...
xxx: I decided to try the fucking stuff... i put some shampoo on my hear and thought: let’s try that thing, she said it makes skin soft and tender, so we will see…the shampoo got into my eyes so I couldn’t see which tube I took..
xxx: I put it on… all over (face and head)…and sat down waiting… for a fucking gorgeous effect I decided to keep it on for 10 minutes...
xxx: when 10 minutes were over ...I started to wash it off... thinking that now I was going to be all fucking soft and silky... but I felt that I was losing my hear instead..
xxx: I started shouting, the girl ran into the room...called me an idiot and told me to read the name on the tube next time… she was just dying of laughter all her way back to the living room ..
xxx: IT TURNED OUT THAT I HAVE MIXED THE TUBES AND TOOK A FUCKING DEPILATION CREAM INSTEAD
xxx: ...shit, thanks to that depilation cream....I’m now soft, silky, clean...
xxx: and bald like a gibbon’s ass

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